Totally unrelated: check out Kylie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWt7JlRCVes

Epiphany - One way or another (Blondie)

Kroe kroe

Just felt like sharing some good news today, 'coz I feel like a million bucks, really. I've done some more soul-searching - now also informed by my meeting with Cindy, yesterday - and I've come to the conclusion that, no, I am not in love with anyone else.

Honestly, guys, you have no idea how relieved I am at this new insight of mine. It's just that I needed to experience something like 'being in love with someone else', so as to be able to finally let go of something that was no longer working for me. Not all of me, anyway. And if there is one phrase which captures the phase I've entered, this most bizarre of years, 2007, surely it must be that of: embracing all of me. Ironically, I've had to emaciate in order to release - or, rather - start releasing 'all of me'. But, it seems, I'm getting there.

By all accounts, I should be absolutely exhausted (I've been up since 7 am, and I've had an unusally long day at the office), and yet, for the first time in weeks, I'm not.

I'm sooooo looking forward to next week, when I'll start doing some real me-things, like: attending some lectures at the uni, attending a theatre festival, going out with a host of friends in Leuven, ... And the following weekend, I get to celebrate Womanhood (workshops, lectures, party, ...) at 'de Vooruit' - with Liesbeth (it's some kind of women's day on 11/11, apparently). Really, it's a pity you can't be here, Leasle. It's just the sort of thing we'd do together, isn't it? You'd love Liesbeth too, I'm sure.

Anyway, peace is within reach again. It seems, it was out there, all along: within me. All I required was the patience to weather the storm of my manic nervousness, which was only natural considering the newness of everything.

I leave you with Joni Mitchell's words: well something's lost, but something's gained/by living every day

Can't get myself to agree with the entire song's message, just now, but those two lines ring very, very true to me.


All alive -in a good way,

Anna

God knows... God knows I want to break free!!!

Just wanted to let you know, that I've finally, finally, finally seen my therapist (last time I saw her was the day before I found out I could start over with my dissertation and all hell broke loose, if only in my head). I feel like I can handle anything now. In the course of the day, I even stopped keeping track of the things I'd eaten, which is huge.

Still tired, but immeasurably better,

Axxx

The time of your life/good riddance - Green Day

Let's change the subject.

Most of you must have more, many, many more questions about the past couple of weeks, than I could possibly (care to) answer. The lads from Green Day, of course, would tell you: "It's not a question/but a lesson learnt in time". So, let's just leave it at that, for now.

Sorry. You lot don't deserve such an address. Each and everyone of you have showed their support. And I appreciate that.

Truth be told, I'm just a bit weary. And spending time in the flat, isn't as much fun as it used to be.

Still... making a conscious effort to eat enough, having fun as soon as I manage to get to Gent, (that is, away from the gloom that has become this apartment), and, fortunately, reading. Reading Freud, and Jung, possibly soon some Lacan, re-reading bits of TWH, papers informed by trauma theory.

Funny, as soon as I mention the dissertation-related stuff, I'm all smiles again (even though the subject matter is not known to raise many laughs).

You know what? I'd promised Liesbeth this weekend, to take up running again (it's good for my mental health, and my appetite). Obviously, waking up to the emptiness and gloom I've created, I didn't feel like doing anything of the sort. Fortunately, there are fabulous Queen-songs to be heard, and from the window, I can see sunrays kissing the remaining tree-leaves. So I'll listen to the former as I get myself ready to go, and I'll join the latter, pursuing the attention of that rare autumn sun that appears to be with us, today.

The sun, the leaves, and me.
Maybe, just maybe,
a couple of thoughts on DMT.

And somewhere, a suppressed prayer that flights from S-A reach us, safely.

Anna

"Why We Said Goodbye" (Tim McGraw)

"Why We Said Goodbye"

I remember sunday mornings walking on the beach
And that place we'd stop for breakfast with the old red vinyl seats
The hours of the tide chart
The way the sunlight dance upon your face

That antique roller coaster you just had to ride
I remember how you laughed at the terror in my eyes
The color and the detail
Just like it was yesterday

And i remember how you held me the night my father died
I didn't have to tell you
I just broke down and cried
You're sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life
And i just can't remember why we said goodbye

Up and down this boardwalk lonely people sit
I know it wasn't perfect but nothin' ever is
The sails out in the harbor
Are searching for the wind

I just had to call you, i had to hear your voice
And tell you i still love you we still have a choice
You're sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life
And i just can't remember why we said goodbye

Everything i do
Leads back to you
I know i just can't let us go

There must have been a reason, but i can't remember now
I know if i could hold you we could work it out
You're sewn into the fabric the pieces of my life
And girl let's give it one more try
Cause i just can't remember why we said goodbye


AND THE LONG PROMISED AD, not the whole ad, but I couldn't find it on youtube.
for those of us who don't already suffer from anorexia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7G0ENIwIpg

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEASLE!!!!

My dearest friend in the world, my dearest friend in this lifetime, I know it's late in kiwiland, but, well.. I'm always late. I love you with all my heart and I wish you the best of birthdays, and overall, a wonderful, wonderful life.

Anna

Kroe: Update on Doin' Alright

Update: having spent a weekend away from each other, my precious boy and I had a long and painful talk on Monday, after which, we realised (should I claim full responsibility and say I) that we can't let go of each other this easily. So, we've decided to go it our own ways (separate bedrooms, separate bills, separate weekends, ...) , but playing each other's girlfriend/boyfriend on a regular basis, allowing us to indulge in nice, getting-to-know-each-other dates. My heart seems to be a little drained these days, but otherwise I'm awfully surprised at this turn of events- in a good way. If it weren't for my utter exhaustion, I'd be the most eager person in the world.

Kroe
--------------------------------------------
Strangely enough, I feel good. In control, again. A couple of things have helped me through these difficult days: Leasle & Liesbeth, a letter I wrote but never got round to sending to Dirk, my pals at work, this morning - the second morning after 'the talk'- when it dawned on me that, yes, we will be able to live under the same roof for some time, and then, the day at the uni (where I finally got round to reading up on some papers on DMT's White Hotel - it was there that I realised, that I've really, really, really given my studies a second chance, that is, as a truly committed student), the day at work (where I finally managed to feel confident & professional again, after a couple of increasingly shaky weeks), and now, there's a letter for me, all the way from Greece, from Maria, who doesn't know yet, but always manages to reach me at the right time anyway.

I truly am a blessed human being.

Anna

Kroe: D&A no longer

The final decision will be taken in December, but, as of today, we are no longer living as a couple. That is, we still share a roof and furniture, but are to take care of ourselves and only ourselves for the next few months. It is understood that I will then see how much freedom I really crave, and who I turn into, away from couplehood and other attachments. It has become painfully clear to me, that I need this radical piece of soul-searching, even though I can't think of all too many things that are worse than breaking his heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love him and respect him immeasurably. It is just that I am in place right now, where I need to know and love myself, for who I really am. I've been running away from this person, ever since I started post-poning the things that I love(d).

Selfish, but rightfully so

Anna