Pie (the humble kind)

So I'm doing it, after all.

Forcing myself to visit the English department, forcing myself to face my true feelings, I realised today that I don't want my whole uni experience to end this way. I've loved it so, so much. It's meant so much to me. I can't turn my back on it, and pretend I don't care. Not for more than a month anyway.

Still, that does not mean that I think you were right all along, Leasle, Sara, Leasle's mum, ...
I think I was due more understanding and sympathy than I received. I can't help feeling that all of your gentle outbursts were more about yourselves and your own anxieties than they were about me.

I meant it, when I said that I don't feel I need the stupid degree to navigate me through life.

The only thing that's changed is that I realise now how deeply I loved studying - and studying Germanic languages and literature in particular. To that I must stay true, even if I can't go on identifying myself completely with my studying.

And so, I've come full circle: I've rediscovered so many aspects of myself, in letting go of the immense pressures I experienced studying. And once I 'd granted those essential bits of me a rightful place in my life now, it appears I was ready to embrace my student aspect as well.

I can't let it control my life anymore. I can't even allow it to be a major theme in the present stage of my life (and no, dears, I won't allow you to rush me into doing something I don't want to - I'll hand it in, if and when I feel ready. Kind of stubborn that way, I'm afraid). At the same time, though, "my kind of love is an ugly love/but it's real and it lasts a long long time".

With me, it seems, there is no letting go. Not entirely, not ever....

which, of course, bodes well for you lot who've earned individual spots in my heart, everlastingly.

Anna, the Hegelian synthesis incarnate xxx


P.S. Leasle, anyone, remind me to dedicate a post to David shortly. He, of all people, he, who's been through so much because of his degreeless state of being, has been amazingly understanding. It was anything but easy, but he was there for me, all the same.