Let me start by stating my objections to writing too many posts on this blog. This blog is supposed to be a shared project, and, given the sheer length of most of my posts, a little bit of restraint is not completely out of place. After all, I don't want Leasle's people to feel awkward/unwelcome/... or anything, because of my all too frequent, all too lengthy, too-much-information-bearing outpourings.
Having said that, this is actually one of those occasions where I'm actually going through something important... What I want to say, is this: the weblog may have to endure a loooooooot of my outpourings this week, but, by no means, will this be a customary thing in the long run. I really, really, really want this weblog to be Leasle's and her lot's as much as it is mine. And since she doesn't have a lot of internet access, these days, my contributions will generally be limited as well.
Back on topic, I want to let people know that I'm doing fine. Sure, I occasionally well up, I'm frequently caught by spells of swilling sadness, and I catch myself searching my little kitty all the time. However, overall, I have little trouble doing the things I should (writing, reading, housekeeping stuff, ...). All of this is kind of reminiscent of when I had my miscarriage. Then too I let in all the sadnes immediately, which allowed me to pick up my daily duties soon afterwards. This is not to say that I wasn't shaken by the events, at the time. In fact, I had some emotional problems directly related to my miscarriage for about two years afterwards. Still, if you compare that to other women... or even if you compare the extent of my emotional problems to the trauma-like experiences of other woman... I didn't suffer all that much. I suspect the same thing to hold for my reaction to Nina's passing.
Like I wrote yesterday... I love/loved her sooooo much. She was such a source of happiness for David and me. Yet, because I spent most of yesterday sleeping, crying, grieving and little else, I am already feeling a little freer today.
The one thing I'm really grateful for, is that the pictures of her last moments in the apartment no longer haunt me. Yesterday those pictures were everywhere I turned. I guess it helped me a lot that I stayed up till 02.00 in the morning (doing stupid internet games and simultaneously surfing websites on cats/ mourning pets/...), and then slept in till 10.00. Without really doing any of these things consciously, I seem to have recovered my peace of mind as a result. I guess it also helps that some of her stuff is already out of the apartment, and the rest of her stuff is sure to follow suit soon.
Still, I don't want to repress my pain at losing Ninamina, nor do I want to forget about the lovely little companion that she was. Which is why I have decided to collect all the memories I have got left of her in a private tribute which I won't be posting here (for the reasons stated above). I will, however, let you know how it goes, and will be glad to show that tribute to whoever asks for it, when they come and visit me in Gent.
This brings me to my request to all of you: a lot of you, even Leasle's people, have met my lovely Nina at some point. Rather than telling/mailing me at some point in the future, how sorry you are for our loss, could you please, please, please send me an email with YOUR memories of Ninamina? My email is: kissykroe@yahoo.com
It would mean the world to me.
Obviously, I don't expect everybody to do this, as you probably have so many more useful things to do. Again, though, any silly anecdote about our terrific tabbycat is extremely precious to me, and I suspect to David as well. Thanks for reading my outpourings and for your support.
Axxx
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Well, it's a day later and I'm back to my procrastinating ways. I do want to share this little clip I found on youtube - made me feel better. Reminded me of you know who in her crazier moments, which were quite frequent, fortunately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ4vmSvCVbc
keep kroe-ing
Axxx
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Yet another day has begun it course. Now, all of her things are gone. The food left the apartment along with her, and yesterday and tody started out with our taking the rest of her stuff to the car, so David's colleague can pass them on to his cat.
Quick recovery, eh?
Who was I trying to fool? Myself, most likely. I'm actually still in full mourning mode, although the cats, the chickens, the ducks, the doves, and even a rare mouse have put in their best efforts to cheer me up. I expect myself to become a regular at the park, these final months in Gent city. The loneliness I find there is the one that suits me best, for no-one is completely lonely in the presence of fauna and flora. Moreover, what better place is there (in a city), to become entrenched in the feeling, the knowledge that life, indeed, goes on.
Life goes on, Ninamina, but I'm not yet ready to write about the life that has come and gone, in you. Don't get me wrong. I spend hours of the day, going over my innumerable fond memories of you. Yet, to actually put them in writing. The finishing act of the written word... I can't do that to you, not yet anyway. The truth is... I want to be sad for you and I want to stay sad, a while longer.
So that's what I'll do.
Love (to all who love)
Axxx
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