Not to worry, I'm not jumping off the balcony or anything just yet.
Merely this: I've just come to realise that it's not worth committing to a healthy lifestyle-which I do, these days- if I don't bother to pick up my life.
What's the use of preventing premature heart-failure, if I don't use my wretched pump, anyways?
It's a question I've been struggling with for the past few months, and I see now, that the only thing that has a chance of working for me is active hatred, anger, directed at myself.
So, my newest in a long list of resolutions is to NO LONGER POINT TO THE POSITIVES, to NO LONGER INDULGE MYSELF, to GET ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRIER still every time I don't fulfil an item on my daily to-do-list.
It's funny, really, I have an impressive track-record of chastising my perfectionist friends (Sarah, Magdalena, ...?Ines?..., other-in-stretches, even David ), only to realise that I really really really need to take a page out of their book in order to achieve something, anything in this poor excuse of a life.
Even Liesbeth, how often have I not plagued her with my criticism on her rigid views on failure?
To be sure, I still hold those beliefs dear, philosophically/theoretically. It's just that I've managed to shack up at the other end of the spectrum, taking indulgence, self-contentedness to new heights. Nauseating new heights, to be quite honest.
But enough! I've wasted too much time on this post as it is. Time to get angry, and, more importantly, do something that matters.
Emulating Texas: we need friends, emulating Leasle: we need friends, besides lovers, emulating all those people I've lectured over the years, my friends, to be sure: we need that never-ending drive to prove ourselves continuously.
Pride and contentedness are what death-beds are for, and not a minute sooner.
______________________________________
I'm very happy with what I've written yesterday, contentwise. Still, for those who might be worried and the *subtle* suicidal overtones... No need to worry. I find myself very much addicted to Mika, these days... 'Nuff said!!!!!
Mika:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzA0nG_PurQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkGp72d0Ny0
Peace!!!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
We all need friends not just lovers
First Nina, I don't know if I will be doing Kroe any favours, but since she asked some posts back. Here are my memories of Nina:
We all need them. We love to spend time with our significant others, lots of quality time, but we also need to see other people or no people at all. At school, uni its all so easy you are constantly surrounded by other people, peers. Some you like, some you don't, but you have somebody to laugh, cry, argue with outside of the home circle. If your lucky you even find somebody to do other activities with. Now with adulthood slowly creeping up on us, you find that home live take over more and more of your time. The cooking, cleaning, work, thesis writing and you see yourself loosing contact with more and more friends. Maybe you gain a few collegues but it's not the same. On top of that you love your partner but you the miss the alone-time or going out with friends.
This seems to be a typically womanly thing, well de 2 most important women in my life, and myself seem to suffer from it. The thing is that we women need to stand up for what we want, feel. It's not wrong to want to do other things but spend time at home, but we have to fight for it. Ask for alone time or just take it. And make sure you get out in de world, join a club, go to social advents, make new friends, just find people you can relate outside of the home circle. But most importantly have FUN.
P.S. I obviously agree with Kroe that people should feel free to write on this blog in another language.
- Her trying to catch shadows, or red laser lights when David attacked her with them.
- Playing push over the cat.
- Her curling up to me in the middle of the night when I was cat/flat- sitting.
- Her scaring the bejesus out of Paul by licking his hand in the middle of the night.
We all need them. We love to spend time with our significant others, lots of quality time, but we also need to see other people or no people at all. At school, uni its all so easy you are constantly surrounded by other people, peers. Some you like, some you don't, but you have somebody to laugh, cry, argue with outside of the home circle. If your lucky you even find somebody to do other activities with. Now with adulthood slowly creeping up on us, you find that home live take over more and more of your time. The cooking, cleaning, work, thesis writing and you see yourself loosing contact with more and more friends. Maybe you gain a few collegues but it's not the same. On top of that you love your partner but you the miss the alone-time or going out with friends.
This seems to be a typically womanly thing, well de 2 most important women in my life, and myself seem to suffer from it. The thing is that we women need to stand up for what we want, feel. It's not wrong to want to do other things but spend time at home, but we have to fight for it. Ask for alone time or just take it. And make sure you get out in de world, join a club, go to social advents, make new friends, just find people you can relate outside of the home circle. But most importantly have FUN.
P.S. I obviously agree with Kroe that people should feel free to write on this blog in another language.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Kroe: quick recovery - yeah, right!!!
Let me start by stating my objections to writing too many posts on this blog. This blog is supposed to be a shared project, and, given the sheer length of most of my posts, a little bit of restraint is not completely out of place. After all, I don't want Leasle's people to feel awkward/unwelcome/... or anything, because of my all too frequent, all too lengthy, too-much-information-bearing outpourings.
Having said that, this is actually one of those occasions where I'm actually going through something important... What I want to say, is this: the weblog may have to endure a loooooooot of my outpourings this week, but, by no means, will this be a customary thing in the long run. I really, really, really want this weblog to be Leasle's and her lot's as much as it is mine. And since she doesn't have a lot of internet access, these days, my contributions will generally be limited as well.
Back on topic, I want to let people know that I'm doing fine. Sure, I occasionally well up, I'm frequently caught by spells of swilling sadness, and I catch myself searching my little kitty all the time. However, overall, I have little trouble doing the things I should (writing, reading, housekeeping stuff, ...). All of this is kind of reminiscent of when I had my miscarriage. Then too I let in all the sadnes immediately, which allowed me to pick up my daily duties soon afterwards. This is not to say that I wasn't shaken by the events, at the time. In fact, I had some emotional problems directly related to my miscarriage for about two years afterwards. Still, if you compare that to other women... or even if you compare the extent of my emotional problems to the trauma-like experiences of other woman... I didn't suffer all that much. I suspect the same thing to hold for my reaction to Nina's passing.
Like I wrote yesterday... I love/loved her sooooo much. She was such a source of happiness for David and me. Yet, because I spent most of yesterday sleeping, crying, grieving and little else, I am already feeling a little freer today.
The one thing I'm really grateful for, is that the pictures of her last moments in the apartment no longer haunt me. Yesterday those pictures were everywhere I turned. I guess it helped me a lot that I stayed up till 02.00 in the morning (doing stupid internet games and simultaneously surfing websites on cats/ mourning pets/...), and then slept in till 10.00. Without really doing any of these things consciously, I seem to have recovered my peace of mind as a result. I guess it also helps that some of her stuff is already out of the apartment, and the rest of her stuff is sure to follow suit soon.
Still, I don't want to repress my pain at losing Ninamina, nor do I want to forget about the lovely little companion that she was. Which is why I have decided to collect all the memories I have got left of her in a private tribute which I won't be posting here (for the reasons stated above). I will, however, let you know how it goes, and will be glad to show that tribute to whoever asks for it, when they come and visit me in Gent.
This brings me to my request to all of you: a lot of you, even Leasle's people, have met my lovely Nina at some point. Rather than telling/mailing me at some point in the future, how sorry you are for our loss, could you please, please, please send me an email with YOUR memories of Ninamina? My email is: kissykroe@yahoo.com
It would mean the world to me.
Obviously, I don't expect everybody to do this, as you probably have so many more useful things to do. Again, though, any silly anecdote about our terrific tabbycat is extremely precious to me, and I suspect to David as well. Thanks for reading my outpourings and for your support.
Axxx
__________________________
Well, it's a day later and I'm back to my procrastinating ways. I do want to share this little clip I found on youtube - made me feel better. Reminded me of you know who in her crazier moments, which were quite frequent, fortunately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ4vmSvCVbc
keep kroe-ing
Axxx
_________________________
Yet another day has begun it course. Now, all of her things are gone. The food left the apartment along with her, and yesterday and tody started out with our taking the rest of her stuff to the car, so David's colleague can pass them on to his cat.
Quick recovery, eh?
Who was I trying to fool? Myself, most likely. I'm actually still in full mourning mode, although the cats, the chickens, the ducks, the doves, and even a rare mouse have put in their best efforts to cheer me up. I expect myself to become a regular at the park, these final months in Gent city. The loneliness I find there is the one that suits me best, for no-one is completely lonely in the presence of fauna and flora. Moreover, what better place is there (in a city), to become entrenched in the feeling, the knowledge that life, indeed, goes on.
Life goes on, Ninamina, but I'm not yet ready to write about the life that has come and gone, in you. Don't get me wrong. I spend hours of the day, going over my innumerable fond memories of you. Yet, to actually put them in writing. The finishing act of the written word... I can't do that to you, not yet anyway. The truth is... I want to be sad for you and I want to stay sad, a while longer.
So that's what I'll do.
Love (to all who love)
Axxx
Having said that, this is actually one of those occasions where I'm actually going through something important... What I want to say, is this: the weblog may have to endure a loooooooot of my outpourings this week, but, by no means, will this be a customary thing in the long run. I really, really, really want this weblog to be Leasle's and her lot's as much as it is mine. And since she doesn't have a lot of internet access, these days, my contributions will generally be limited as well.
Back on topic, I want to let people know that I'm doing fine. Sure, I occasionally well up, I'm frequently caught by spells of swilling sadness, and I catch myself searching my little kitty all the time. However, overall, I have little trouble doing the things I should (writing, reading, housekeeping stuff, ...). All of this is kind of reminiscent of when I had my miscarriage. Then too I let in all the sadnes immediately, which allowed me to pick up my daily duties soon afterwards. This is not to say that I wasn't shaken by the events, at the time. In fact, I had some emotional problems directly related to my miscarriage for about two years afterwards. Still, if you compare that to other women... or even if you compare the extent of my emotional problems to the trauma-like experiences of other woman... I didn't suffer all that much. I suspect the same thing to hold for my reaction to Nina's passing.
Like I wrote yesterday... I love/loved her sooooo much. She was such a source of happiness for David and me. Yet, because I spent most of yesterday sleeping, crying, grieving and little else, I am already feeling a little freer today.
The one thing I'm really grateful for, is that the pictures of her last moments in the apartment no longer haunt me. Yesterday those pictures were everywhere I turned. I guess it helped me a lot that I stayed up till 02.00 in the morning (doing stupid internet games and simultaneously surfing websites on cats/ mourning pets/...), and then slept in till 10.00. Without really doing any of these things consciously, I seem to have recovered my peace of mind as a result. I guess it also helps that some of her stuff is already out of the apartment, and the rest of her stuff is sure to follow suit soon.
Still, I don't want to repress my pain at losing Ninamina, nor do I want to forget about the lovely little companion that she was. Which is why I have decided to collect all the memories I have got left of her in a private tribute which I won't be posting here (for the reasons stated above). I will, however, let you know how it goes, and will be glad to show that tribute to whoever asks for it, when they come and visit me in Gent.
This brings me to my request to all of you: a lot of you, even Leasle's people, have met my lovely Nina at some point. Rather than telling/mailing me at some point in the future, how sorry you are for our loss, could you please, please, please send me an email with YOUR memories of Ninamina? My email is: kissykroe@yahoo.com
It would mean the world to me.
Obviously, I don't expect everybody to do this, as you probably have so many more useful things to do. Again, though, any silly anecdote about our terrific tabbycat is extremely precious to me, and I suspect to David as well. Thanks for reading my outpourings and for your support.
Axxx
__________________________
Well, it's a day later and I'm back to my procrastinating ways. I do want to share this little clip I found on youtube - made me feel better. Reminded me of you know who in her crazier moments, which were quite frequent, fortunately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ4vmSvCVbc
keep kroe-ing
Axxx
_________________________
Yet another day has begun it course. Now, all of her things are gone. The food left the apartment along with her, and yesterday and tody started out with our taking the rest of her stuff to the car, so David's colleague can pass them on to his cat.
Quick recovery, eh?
Who was I trying to fool? Myself, most likely. I'm actually still in full mourning mode, although the cats, the chickens, the ducks, the doves, and even a rare mouse have put in their best efforts to cheer me up. I expect myself to become a regular at the park, these final months in Gent city. The loneliness I find there is the one that suits me best, for no-one is completely lonely in the presence of fauna and flora. Moreover, what better place is there (in a city), to become entrenched in the feeling, the knowledge that life, indeed, goes on.
Life goes on, Ninamina, but I'm not yet ready to write about the life that has come and gone, in you. Don't get me wrong. I spend hours of the day, going over my innumerable fond memories of you. Yet, to actually put them in writing. The finishing act of the written word... I can't do that to you, not yet anyway. The truth is... I want to be sad for you and I want to stay sad, a while longer.
So that's what I'll do.
Love (to all who love)
Axxx
Monday, March 19, 2007
Kroe: Nina
My dearest cat has just died. I don't really want to write or talk about it. I'm inconsolable. I loved her fiercely.
Ninamina, poezemie.
Nina.
________________
Well, I've just put her in a shoe box. Her little body felt stiff and alien, but her beauiful fur coat is just as soft and familiar as before. I am to bring her to the animal shelter now. Obviously every procrastinating fibre of my body is searching for an excuse now... I don't want to go. I don't. I don't want to hold that stupid box in my arms as I take her away forever. I can just picture it. The sun on my face. Happy passers-by. The cold weight getting heavy on my arms. The tips of her tiny furry feet escaping the stupid lid of the stupid box.
And, then, when I come back... What to do then? First I need to mop the floor. Get rid of those traces of blood she spit up in her final fierce struggle. Then, do the dishes. Just because I'm supposed to do the dishes. Clean my closet. Something I've been postponing for ages.
But then what? Should I get rid of her things? The litter box, her trays, her bed, her little house, ... The cat food.. Well, I suppose I could bring that to the animal shelter as well. I don't know. I guess I'll have to ask David what to do.
I know 1 thing, for sure: my full-time commitment to my dissertation is not quite there, today.
(shrug)
Maybe I'll drop in again, later. Maybe not.
(I don't want to go, I don't want to get up, I don't want this day to continue)
__________________________________
It's been a few hours since I last edited this post. What has happened since? Been to the animal shelter. The actual walk to the shelter was ok. There was rain instead of sun, few passers-by, and the box did not feel cold. It did feel heavy and the stupid lid had to be held down, or it would have been blown away, uncovering my poor Ninaminapoechiewoechie. This would have been a problem. Not only was I definitely not up to seeing her again like that, but I felt even more strongly about other people seeing her. Nina was a beautiful proud queen of a cat. To have stupid strangers see the wreck that final struggle had turned her into... just unbearable.
The waiting at the shelter was the hardest part. And then, once I'd handed her over to the understanding young man who worked there, things got really tough when I went inside to have my forms filled out. I just couldn't bring myself to explain once again why I was there, what I needed, ... Fortunately, the first guy came back and he helped out with the explaining. He also asked a few questions about how it happened and told me about the passing of his dog. So, I was more or less ok when I left.
Then I went for a bit of a walk in the park (that's where the animal shelter is). Had it not been for David asking me to call him back, there's a chance I'd still be there, this very moment. Not only do trees and ponds never fail to soothe me, but there's always a good chance of seeing many animals (esp. chickens, doves, ducks and... cats) - the sight of which never fails to cheer me up. So, for a while I sat there, and all these cats came closer. Some played with each other, some seemed to be annoyed by each other, and some came closer still, so as to get a better look at me. Lovely curious creatures. Their sight doesn't quite still the heart-ache, but at least they cause my tears to be accopmanied by a smile, you know?
The rest of the afternoon: I ate things I'm not supposed to eat (but it's a one-off thing, I'm more composed and controlled now again), I slept (for about 3 hours, at least), and now I'm here again. I still need to mop the floor. But this time, I'm not too worried about not keeping to my to-do-list. I really, really, really want the blood stains gone. And the tennis/film websites just don't seem to have their usual appeal. Fed and Marty be damned, I want my cat back. Healthy, happy, haughty and heart-warming.
Poor little Nina, I love her so much.
Ninamina, poezemie.
Nina.
________________
Well, I've just put her in a shoe box. Her little body felt stiff and alien, but her beauiful fur coat is just as soft and familiar as before. I am to bring her to the animal shelter now. Obviously every procrastinating fibre of my body is searching for an excuse now... I don't want to go. I don't. I don't want to hold that stupid box in my arms as I take her away forever. I can just picture it. The sun on my face. Happy passers-by. The cold weight getting heavy on my arms. The tips of her tiny furry feet escaping the stupid lid of the stupid box.
And, then, when I come back... What to do then? First I need to mop the floor. Get rid of those traces of blood she spit up in her final fierce struggle. Then, do the dishes. Just because I'm supposed to do the dishes. Clean my closet. Something I've been postponing for ages.
But then what? Should I get rid of her things? The litter box, her trays, her bed, her little house, ... The cat food.. Well, I suppose I could bring that to the animal shelter as well. I don't know. I guess I'll have to ask David what to do.
I know 1 thing, for sure: my full-time commitment to my dissertation is not quite there, today.
(shrug)
Maybe I'll drop in again, later. Maybe not.
(I don't want to go, I don't want to get up, I don't want this day to continue)
__________________________________
It's been a few hours since I last edited this post. What has happened since? Been to the animal shelter. The actual walk to the shelter was ok. There was rain instead of sun, few passers-by, and the box did not feel cold. It did feel heavy and the stupid lid had to be held down, or it would have been blown away, uncovering my poor Ninaminapoechiewoechie. This would have been a problem. Not only was I definitely not up to seeing her again like that, but I felt even more strongly about other people seeing her. Nina was a beautiful proud queen of a cat. To have stupid strangers see the wreck that final struggle had turned her into... just unbearable.
The waiting at the shelter was the hardest part. And then, once I'd handed her over to the understanding young man who worked there, things got really tough when I went inside to have my forms filled out. I just couldn't bring myself to explain once again why I was there, what I needed, ... Fortunately, the first guy came back and he helped out with the explaining. He also asked a few questions about how it happened and told me about the passing of his dog. So, I was more or less ok when I left.
Then I went for a bit of a walk in the park (that's where the animal shelter is). Had it not been for David asking me to call him back, there's a chance I'd still be there, this very moment. Not only do trees and ponds never fail to soothe me, but there's always a good chance of seeing many animals (esp. chickens, doves, ducks and... cats) - the sight of which never fails to cheer me up. So, for a while I sat there, and all these cats came closer. Some played with each other, some seemed to be annoyed by each other, and some came closer still, so as to get a better look at me. Lovely curious creatures. Their sight doesn't quite still the heart-ache, but at least they cause my tears to be accopmanied by a smile, you know?
The rest of the afternoon: I ate things I'm not supposed to eat (but it's a one-off thing, I'm more composed and controlled now again), I slept (for about 3 hours, at least), and now I'm here again. I still need to mop the floor. But this time, I'm not too worried about not keeping to my to-do-list. I really, really, really want the blood stains gone. And the tennis/film websites just don't seem to have their usual appeal. Fed and Marty be damned, I want my cat back. Healthy, happy, haughty and heart-warming.
Poor little Nina, I love her so much.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Kroe: Back on track
It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, the past month. So much so, that I couldn't even muster up the courage to write something on Leasle's leaving the country...
I don't know if I should offer a full account of the past few weeks on here. I don't even know if I want to.
What I do know is that, for the past few days, all the signs have been good, so let me take this opportunity to announce to whoever's interested: I'm back on track. That paper I was supposed to hand in 18 months ago has finally been completed (I'm even satisfied with the quality of said paper, I'm surprised to admit); I'm committing myself to my dissertation on a full-time basis; and I continue to take care of myself nutritionally and physically.
(Wait a minute... does this entry prove that I do, in fact, still communicate with my loved ones when and only when I feel remotely good about myself???)
Anyways, I promise to write again, soon - regardless of my feelings concerning self (or other topics).
____________
On a side note, this weblog is obviously carried in English, because it's the lingua franca of our time. It succeeds in uniting readers whose native languages vary from Greek & Schoon Vlaams to Standard Kiwi English. However, since Dutch/SV is the native language of the main (oh, okay, sole) contributors, we should feel free to write in Dutch whenever we're so inclined, shouldn't we (Leasle, I'm actually asking you)? This is not much of an issue now, but it could become one in the future (e.g. if Iwrite this amazing (who needs false modesty, eh) poem in Dutch and want to share it with this lot). By the same token, readers who want to offer their comments on our posts should be able to express them in whatever language they're most comfortable expressing them (I don't think I need Leasle's permission on this one). So come and join us, however you want to, everybody ;-) You're all very, very welcome (although I don't exactly mind the silent treatment. Not on here, anyway...)
___________________
Keep kroe-ing
Axxx
I don't know if I should offer a full account of the past few weeks on here. I don't even know if I want to.
What I do know is that, for the past few days, all the signs have been good, so let me take this opportunity to announce to whoever's interested: I'm back on track. That paper I was supposed to hand in 18 months ago has finally been completed (I'm even satisfied with the quality of said paper, I'm surprised to admit); I'm committing myself to my dissertation on a full-time basis; and I continue to take care of myself nutritionally and physically.
(Wait a minute... does this entry prove that I do, in fact, still communicate with my loved ones when and only when I feel remotely good about myself???)
Anyways, I promise to write again, soon - regardless of my feelings concerning self (or other topics).
____________
On a side note, this weblog is obviously carried in English, because it's the lingua franca of our time. It succeeds in uniting readers whose native languages vary from Greek & Schoon Vlaams to Standard Kiwi English. However, since Dutch/SV is the native language of the main (oh, okay, sole) contributors, we should feel free to write in Dutch whenever we're so inclined, shouldn't we (Leasle, I'm actually asking you)? This is not much of an issue now, but it could become one in the future (e.g. if Iwrite this amazing (who needs false modesty, eh) poem in Dutch and want to share it with this lot). By the same token, readers who want to offer their comments on our posts should be able to express them in whatever language they're most comfortable expressing them (I don't think I need Leasle's permission on this one). So come and join us, however you want to, everybody ;-) You're all very, very welcome (although I don't exactly mind the silent treatment. Not on here, anyway...)
___________________
Keep kroe-ing
Axxx
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Kissy: Departing
First off all just to leave and heave a final goodbye. Well not really final or a goodbye, with all the modern technologies and such, but I'm sure you guys get the drift. And it will be the final post I get to write from Belgium soil in a long time to come. Unless they have free internet at the Belgian embassy in Christchurch off course.
More importantly something totally unrelated to real life but oohhh so fasinating: the movies.
About the oscars, didn't follow it at all except waking up to the news anouncement that Helen MireRRRRR had won the Oscar. I didn't see the movie, so have no right to comment but it's about England, Helen Mirren is in it and it is directed by Stephen Frears, who made a wonderful adaptation of Les liasions dangereuses, even if he did use Malkovich instead of Rickman, the cheeky sod.
A movie I can comment about is 'the departed'. We went to see it yesterday. Will give you a full review once in NZ, so that I can check some facts. I think it is about time I start taking my own comments more seriously and research them more thoroughly before I hang on to cliches and popular opinion. I can say that, you will not here me say the Leo is just a pretty boy ever again, Nicholson out did himself, and there is absolutely no excuse for that amount of swearing.
More importantly something totally unrelated to real life but oohhh so fasinating: the movies.
About the oscars, didn't follow it at all except waking up to the news anouncement that Helen MireRRRRR had won the Oscar. I didn't see the movie, so have no right to comment but it's about England, Helen Mirren is in it and it is directed by Stephen Frears, who made a wonderful adaptation of Les liasions dangereuses, even if he did use Malkovich instead of Rickman, the cheeky sod.
A movie I can comment about is 'the departed'. We went to see it yesterday. Will give you a full review once in NZ, so that I can check some facts. I think it is about time I start taking my own comments more seriously and research them more thoroughly before I hang on to cliches and popular opinion. I can say that, you will not here me say the Leo is just a pretty boy ever again, Nicholson out did himself, and there is absolutely no excuse for that amount of swearing.
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